The Hidden Costs of Masking
How hiding our true selves can impact our mental health
Hello cultivators!
I mentioned reading “A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD” last month in this space, and that was the first time I correctly understood the concept of masking or hiding. I would like to share my experience and invite you to explore what masking looks like for you. We have all done it, especially folks like me with our neurodivergent brains. It was helpful for me to put a name to these things that I did to hide my symptoms or struggles and understand why I did them. I hope you find a nugget or two here that strikes a chord with you and provides insight into your hiding.
What is Masking/Hiding? Why do we do it?
Masking is commonly defined as hiding your mental health issues or suppressing symptoms or difficulties you might be experiencing. I have also seen the word camouflage being used to describe it. It is fascinating to me that the same term used to describe what a chameleon does to hide from predators is used to describe it. (I found this out while researching that this is the secondary reason chameleons change their color.). Humans use it on a battlefield. That same word is being used to describe what you and I do every day to act “normal”. Also, what is normal? It doesn’t exist! Stop it!
“Hiding[Masking], when used as a protective device, keeps us trapped from letting the world see who we are. When we hide our challenges, we also hide ourselves as individuals and block our chance to show who we really are, something everyone on this planet longs for.” - Sari Solden and Michelle Frank
Masking can look like this:
Writing with your non-dominant hand to fit it.
Not asking for the instructions the third (or even second) time. Your brain could not process the speed or the amount of information shared the first time, and now there is shame associated with asking for the same instructions again.
In the same vein, acting like you remember the details shared at a different time when you don’t because you don’t want to seem dumb.
Not sharing you’re hurt or upset because you don’t want to make others uncomfortable with your feelings.
Not sharing a story because you think you can’t put your thoughts in an organized way.
Not asking for help because you fear judgment.
Not asking for time or space when overstimulated by too much or too many conversations.
Saying sushi is your favorite when you can’t stand the smell of raw fish - only to please your friend/partner/stranger.
Using alcohol or other drugs to be more social when you are clearly feeling overwhelmed.
Hiding your queerness from loved ones because you are familiar with their disapproval or fear rejection.
Saying you are okay when you are not.
Do any of these examples speak to you?
I want to add that masking is not always bad. Sometimes, we do it to protect ourselves in a harmful situation, for example, to avoid our parent’s wrath or consequences at work. I am not trying to make a blanket statement here. But if it becomes part of your everyday experience to the point that you don’t even know if what you are doing is authentic to you or not, then we have a problem on our hands. So, let’s dig deeper into the problem with masking.
What is the problem with masking?
Sari Solden and Michelle Frank’s book has helped me see how hiding my authentic self impacts me as well as the people I hide from.
ADDitude Magazine calls masking a form of self-sabotage. Think of that chameleon again. The change in its color is visible to the naked human eye, making it easier to comprehend the energy it takes to go from red to pink to blue. Something similar happens when we change or hide our true feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. A significant amount of mental and emotional energy is expended on creating this other self. Not to mention the time spent worrying about how we are perceived - the self-doubt and lack of self-awareness all add up (!!), leading to stress and burnout. No wonder we are very, very exhausted!
In addition, it robs us of the genuine experience we could have if we were to “drop the mask” and just be. I know it is easier said than done. I know. I have avoided a lot of social situations or opportunities to connect with people in anticipation of that mental gymnastics, and I know I am not alone. Unsurprisingly, social isolation is a common challenge for adults with ADHD, especially women.
Sometimes, due to our masks, we may be perceived as not having the condition at all or as having different struggles than we actually do. This can lead to misunderstandings, mismatched expectations, frustration, or even resentment from others who don't understand what we are truly going through. When we hide our struggles from others, we deprive ourselves and others of the opportunity to truly connect, understand, and appreciate our unique strengths and challenges.
A tiny step towards unmasking
Initially, I was torn between exploring unmasking here or digging into it thoroughly next week. I am going with a hybrid approach here because I am very indecisive, and a little bit of both seems to be the current solution.
As you can imagine, the first step to unmasking is creating awareness around it: when, where, why, and how you do it. I shared some examples of masking and its reasons with you earlier in this post, so now it is your turn. When do you notice yourself hiding your true feelings or thoughts? Is it around your family? When do you see yourself hiding your struggles? Is it a sign of lack of safety? Is it in a professional setting? I do it, too, and I understand the need, but remember, we are creating awareness right now. That’s all. NO judgment! Write it in a journal or share it in the comments below if you feel safe! I would love to learn about your experience with hiding your true self.
With that, I promise to explore some unmasking tips with y’all next week! ktnxBieeee.
Internet things on my mind
Just one thing this time. Last week, folks were having issues sharing their Substack on Twitter. You couldn’t like or retweet any of the tweets containing Substack links. You can read all about it here. So this week, Substack launched Notes, which is very much like Twitter!! All that to say, Elon is a little bitch, and, as my partner would say, he can eat a bag of dicks 😂
Your dose of pittie cuteness
This was a great read! I've just been diagnosed with ADHD 2 months ago, and Masking is another helpful label in this bucket of Problem I've had for Years (lol). And it's great you mentioned the first step - a what, when, where analysis - it sounds so simple in hindsight. I will definitely try to work on this.
Thanks for sharing! :)
As an autistic person I also deal a lot with masking, and it is definitely tiring. Maybe one of the reasons I love being alone is that I dont have to mask! Even though I started learning to unmask a few years ago when I got my diagnosis, its still prevalent to this day - even with my friends! Its like I cant escape. Thanks for sharing about masking:)