Women's History Month: Permission Slip No. 3

Ask for what you need without guilt or offering an apology

Have you read my first and second permission slips yet?

Hello friends!

Katy Weber’s book club inspires this week’s permission slip. In the book club, we are reading A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD, and the experience has been very validating for me. Since my diagnosis last summer, I have been researching on my own - listening to podcasts, reading books, and watching documentaries - to figure out what it means to be neurodivergent. I want to understand my brain and all its quirks better. While I am nowhere close to understanding this complex creature that is my brain, I didn’t realize that connecting with women with a similar experience would be essential to putting this puzzle together. 

TLDR; find a space to bring your authentic self without feeling judged.

Anyway, for this week during Women’s History Month, I permit you to ask for support. You know that you are not too much - your needs, wants, thoughts, ideas, body - none of it is too much. With that in mind, it is time to advocate for yourself and ask for what you want or need! 

My first lesson in self-advocacy came when I realized that I needed more than just hard work and a goal-oriented mindset to grow in my career. I had to negotiate a promotion or raise. I was expected to know that speaking for myself was recommended. What the heck?!

As women, some of us receive years of “training” in dimming ourselves, or not asking for our basic needs and pleasing people, when the path to success involves doing almost the opposite of that. If you find that frustrating, you are not alone. And if you thought the first lesson was the only one that was needed, you are, sadly, very, very wrong. I still get reminded, on a regular basis, by my partner who says that I need to advocate for myself. I need to ask for help.

You would be terribly incorrect if you thought I was good at asking for help or support in my personal life. 

Thanks to our puppies, my partner and I were in a complicated situation earlier this year. My approach made me isolate myself, process the problem, and then prepare for the worst-case scenario (which included researching the time it would take to flee the country, aka drive to Costa Rica - which is 72 hours).

While his approach meant getting in touch with his family, processing the problem, looking at every possible outcome, and figuring out the next steps. He asked his family for support, and boy, did they deliver. Without being asked, his family extended that support to me, too. Not going to lie; it felt good. I didn’t know I needed it, but it felt good. A few days later, I finally reached out to my family and, subsequently, my extended family. While some were surprised to hear that I needed help, they all came through. Suddenly, I had a team helping me resolve the issue. The support greatly impacted how I felt. (Don’t worry, driving to Costa Rica with the dogs was still on the table). 

It turns out you don’t have to do it ALL by yourself. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. 

You can request that promotion or raise - you worked hard for it. Don’t hesitate to negotiate that salary bump or career move. No one else is going to do it on your behalf. In my version of an ideal world, everyone is entitled to fair and equal pay, and promotions are given out based on the work delivered - without any negotiations. Sadly, we don’t live in that world…yet. Don’t give up on it. 

Reinforce those boundaries; it is better not to show up than to show up with resentment. We have all been there, even though we know it is unhealthy for everyone involved.

To my neurodivergent girlies, I permit you to honor your novel brain and ask for the accommodations you need to share your authentic self. The people around you deserve to experience your uniqueness. 

I understand how massive these steps are. But here’s what baby steps can look like: allowing your partner/friend/neighbor/roomie to help carry your grocery bags from the car. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Asking for support does not make you a burden.

You can call on your friend to sit with you in your grief and not try to solve the problem if that is what you need. (I am guilty of going into problem-solving mode myself. While I am getting better at asking what support looks like for my friend at the moment, I appreciate it when they remind me to stop and just stay with them).

Next time you hesitate to ask for what you need, remember that you are doing the other person a favor by telling them exactly how you would like to be treated or supported. We are all figuring out how to connect better. I implore you to make it a little easier for them by advocating for yourself and your needs. Show the littles around you how to form better connections.