I am a neurodivergent, cis-gender woman of color in my mid-30s with no children (and no plans to have children) who lives in a house that I own (thanks to working in tech as a software engineer for over a decade) with my partner and two dogs. I drive a Honda Civic I bought in 2013 and paid it off 7 years ago along with my grad school loan. (Thank you, tech, and our world’s obsession to pay a ridiculous amount for everyone in tech or at least software engineers. I benefit from this system, but I still hope it changes someday. That’s a topic for another day).
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family in India. Even though I never felt less than my peers, I remember being called to the principal's office every quarter because my dad had "forgotten" to pay the tuition fee again. So, I am what the kids call "new money". The term "new money" is often used to describe individuals who may not have grown up in wealthy families, did not benefit from generational wealth, and are still adjusting to their newfound wealth and lifestyle changes that come with it.
Initially, I planned to save every penny I earned - no unnecessary purchases, which was great since I had to pay off my student loans. I kept it going even after I was done (lower middle class, lower t trauma). It was restrictive, stressful, and not sustainable at all. I would feel guilty about spending money (and I still do!!). Initially, an online yoga service was the only purchase "allowed" in the wellness category. With more income, I signed up for a studio where I could practice yoga with my friends. Around the same time, I started traveling.
As you can imagine, with different life seasons, there is a change in my budget for "self-care" routines, so the list I share below has evolved over the last decade. As my friend and resident editor, Jana, put it - What would you want to spend money on to take care of yourself if you had more income?
While it took years of hard work to get to this place, I recognize the privilege with which I write this. Now that you have all the context, here's what I like to spend that money on as part of my "self-care" routine, in no particular order.
THERAPY!!
If you know me, you know I believe in therapy for all - individual, couples, or family therapy. In fact, “therapy for all” would be my platform if I ever ran for office. If you have the means and resources to do it, you should go to therapy, especially if you think you don’t need it.
I have been working with my therapist for close to three years now. It has improved my understanding of how I communicate, process, and perceive information or connect with people. I have a hard time imagining what life would have been like without Heather.
Earlier this year, I “graduated” to every other week (graduation from therapy means that the person has achieved their therapeutic goals, developed the necessary skills to cope, and no longer needs therapy - I am not there yet), and my therapist supported this transition. Last month, thanks to Heather, I started working with a psychiatrist to determine my ADHD symptoms, medication, and lifestyle changes.
Workout equipment/gym membership, aka whatever it takes to move my body
I look at it as an investment in myself. I bought a home gym system last year; it is ridiculously expensive, and I still feel the judgment from within me grow as I write about it. BUT I know for a fact that working out is good for me. Various studies support the benefits of physical activity, especially for people with ADHD. Benefits vary between improved sleep quality and duration, decreased symptoms of anxiety and depression, and improved self-esteem and social functioning. While cheaper ways have existed to achieve these benefits, I prefer my Tonal (for now).
Journals - all the pretty ones with excellent paper
As a kid, I would write in my little diaries to process my feelings. But, my privacy was violated repeatedly when my mom read my journals and hid them exactly where she found them. Eventually, I gave up on journaling and didn't return to it until my 30s.
Now I have multiple journals - one for gratitude, one for vision boards/art, and another for brain dumps. I also have a planner for my weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly goals. It sounds extra, and it is 💁♀️
New experiences
Okay, this one is interesting because this includes a wide range of activities for me. I was an avid traveler in my mid-to-late 20s, with two annual international trips. While I would sometimes live in hostels to save money (the lower middle-class upbringing is strong), I would spend money trying new things like ziplining in Costa Rica, enjoying cenote (natural pit or sinkhole) tours in Yucatan, parasailing on Maui, a taking a helicopter ride over Maui!! (side note: I paid less than half the price for this ride).Then I got Diana, and my priorities shifted. Now, those experiences look like road trips, fancy-ish Airbnbs, tours of farm animal sanctuaries, or DIY workshops. I am enrolled in a six-week gardening course at a community garden in San Francisco, and it is worth every penny. This reminds me of the next thing on this list.
Plants - indoors and outdoors
My obsession with plants took to another level during the pandemic. Seventy percent of millennials call themselves a plant-parent, and I am doing my best to contribute to that statistic. It is my duty and honor.
Jokes apart, figuring out what works for each plant and watching my little buddies grow makes me happy. Imagine putting on your favorite podcast and going around the house watering, cleaning, and checking the leaves for pests (which can be annoying but worth it for me). That’s the only form of mindfulness practice that works for me. Also, the houseplant community on Reddit is :chef' ’s kiss: and this post is a case in point. I recommend going through the comments here.Supporting causes that align with my values
For me, supporting causes means sponsoring/adopting/fostering animals. My giraffe’s name is Winky Wonk, and I also sponsor the pig siblings at Charlie’s Acre: Nicholas, Gilbert, and Victor. I love animals. Let me know if you ever consider working with animals; I would love to chat!
A regular cleaning service
How is this self-care, you ask? Like everyone else, I love a clean space. Sometimes to a fault, to be honest with you. I will be overworked or sick and still try to get my house in order. I judge myself for the mess, irrespective of the circumstances that lead to that mess. Every other Thursday, the very supportive Martha comes and cleans the house. We talk about her kids, my dogs, her father, etc., and she jokes about the plants being rearranged again. While I clean the space between her visits, having a clean home without spending hours is a gift I give myself every two weeks.
Financial Planner
As I mentioned, my financial plan before hiring Ashley was not to only spend money unless absolutely necessary. It was terrible and stress-inducing. Ashley has helped me diversify, invest, and do all those finance buzzwords I still don’t fully comprehend. She worked with my retirement goals and risk tolerance level to determine an investment strategy that worked for me. I send over my money, and it gets invested. Ashley does not sponsor this, although she should. I should ask her. Which reminds me, I GOTTA DO MY TAXES.
Community Question: What does investment in self-care practices look like for you? I would love to hear about it in the comment section.
Internet things on my mind
NORMAL GOSSIP IS BACK! I repeat, NORMAL GOSSIP with Kelsey Mckinney is back!! If you don’t know what I am talking about, you must drop everything and listen to the season premiere now. Pretty please!!
I am tempted to listen to Ezra Klein’s interview with Richard Reeves, author of Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why it Matters, and What to Do About It, but I worry that it is going to make me angry. So, this article by Anne Helen Petersen might have to do for now.
Ever wonder what it would look like if men introduced themselves on dates the way they do on dating apps? Let Amelia Samson answer that for you.