Exploring the Intricacies of “The Butterfly Effect”

Time travel, regrets, and embracing the beautiful chaos of life

Trigger Warning: The post below mentions sexual assault and abuse. Please make sure you are in the right space. I understand if you need to skip this essay. Take care of yourself.

This essay is slightly different than the usual here at ADHD Made Me Do It because it is a true stream of consciousness inspired by a movie. This is a slightly polished version of the conversations I have with my partner. As someone with ADHD, I delve into the concept of time travel, the desire to change the past, and the impact of our choices on our lives. I am curious to see how it lands with y’all, so please share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Hello fellow cultivator,

I recently watched the movie The Butterfly Effect for the first time. Now, this wasn’t my first foray into the world of time travel. However, this was my first time watching something in this sci-fi genre after launching my blog, which means that I am going to talk about it. Obviously.

The movie came out in 2004, which was almost 20 years ago. Side note: what the heck! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I was in high school! Brb, need to check on that with my mom and digest that a bit.

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Okay, as I said, “The Butterfly Effect” was released ages ago, so I don't mind giving away spoilers. However, if you prefer not to know what happens, you might want to skip this essay. I look forward to seeing you next week!

Here’s a brief summary of the storyline: The character Ashton Kutcher plays has blackouts (starting in childhood) whenever he gets stressed. His psychiatrist thinks writing everything down would help him regain his memory, so he starts maintaining a journal. He realizes he went through some shit as a kid, along with his two friends and a frenemy. After about ten years or so, he discovers that reading his journals not only assists him in recollecting his memories from the blackouts but also allows him to alter the past. DUN DUN DUN!

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As I mentioned, this wasn’t my first time watching a movie about time travel. I have seen a few here and there. What irks me with these movies is the notion that we can change the past with our knowledge of this present moment and, thus, control our narrative in any way, shape, or form.

Ashton Kutcher’s character, Evan, goes back several times to save his friends, one of whom is a love interest - you already knew that. None of those times yields the ideal outcome. In these new “realities”, either his mom is dying from cancer, or the woman he loves, Kayleigh, is messed up in a different way and ends up dead. Or other times, Evan kills his frenemy, who is also Kayleigh’s brother, or his other friend kills his frenemy, and thus, everyone ends up in a worse situation. And on and on it goes.

This one particular instance in the movie stood out to me. Evan goes back to when he was seven to protect himself and Kayleigh from getting sexually abused by Kayleigh’s dad. While he succeeds in his endeavor to save the woman he loves, and things seem fine when he returns to his new present-day reality, Kayleigh’s brother, Tommy, is all kinds of fucked up. Tommy hates Evan for fornicating with his sister, obviously, and attacks him. One thing leads to another, and Evan kills Tommy in front of Kayleigh. Evan ends up in prison, Tommy is dead, and Kayleigh is, well, incredibly damaged. This doesn’t stop Evan from attempting to go back to a different incident from childhood to “fix” his present, even though each attempt only leads to a different form of tragedy and suffering.

It seems that this is a common human behavior, even in real life. Not the time travel part, but we often reflect on our past and consider how if we had made a different choice, we would alter the outcome of our present-day life. I must admit that I am guilty of doing the same. Maybe that is why it bothers me when I see this kind of behavior portrayed in movies, even though I know that it is fiction.

“The Butterfly Effect”, in particular, made me think about some of the defining moments of my life. The moments where I had more than one option, and unbeknownst to me, my subconscious made a choice. Given the possibility, would I go back and do things differently? And in the present, would I be able to tell this time around that I have multiple options and make a wise choice in how I approach the situation? More importantly, how would those choices reflect on my present-day life?

I recall one specific instance from my childhood. Let me walk you through the first time a random stranger hit me. I want to note that I was born and raised in North India, in the State of Punjab. I am not using it as an excuse but rather to establish that inappropriate touching is a common phenomenon in Punjab and other parts of the country.

I was eleven or twelve when it happened. This was over 20 years ago, yet I still have a clear memory of what I was wearing, what I was doing, where I was, and how everything went down. I was watching someone’s cart in an alleyway, minding my business, when I saw this guy riding his bike toward me. I tried my best to stay out of his way, yet he zig-zagged right by me and smacked me in my stomach as he rode away.

As I mentioned earlier, episodes like this are the norm where I grew up, and it happened more often than I can remember. Yet, it was not the act of violence from that stranger, however minor it may seem, that stood out to me. It was my parents’ reaction to the incident that baffles me, even today.

After the incident, I ran back home, holding my stomach right where I had been smacked - I was feeling confused, agitated, and extremely violated. The part of my stomach touched by that stranger felt foreign to me, and I wanted to get rid of it. I have this image of myself - sitting on my parent’s bed, crying profusely, my body shaking, my hand scratching at that spot on my stomach as I shared the story with her. I am not sure how I thought it was going to go down with my parents. It was all just very strange to me in that moment, but I am pretty sure I did not expect what happened next. 

All my Mom did was plead with me to stop crying because my Dad was about to return home from work. When a few minutes of pleading didn't stop my wailing, she got furious. She didn't want my Dad to find out because she was worried about his reaction, which generally included blaming her for anything that went wrong. Sometimes he reacted with the silent treatment, which would sometimes last for weeks, months, or even years.

Well, when my Dad returned home and saw me in that hysterical state, he simply smiled in a patronizing way. Yep! You read that right. Smiled. He said something to the effect that I was being silly, and stuff like this happens. He asked me why I didn't scream to alert people around me. He asked me to handle it differently the next time.

Side note: If time travel comes with some type of magical power that allows one to eradicate misogyny entirely, count me in. Let's fucking go!!

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So again, given the option, would I go back in time to this particular incident and urge my parents not to normalize this atrocious behavior for me and, subsequently, my sister? Would I tell my Dad that the onus to do anything different in that situation does not lie with me? Would I ask them to sit with me in that anger, confusion, and pain? Provide me with the support and validation I needed and deserved? Help me understand these emotions and cope with them? Oh boy, EMOTIONS! As I better understood my emotions, it helped that I learned more about ADHD and my own journey.

As you can imagine, I went through many of these questions after getting my ADHD diagnosis last summer. ADHD often comes with executive dysfunction, making it difficult to plan, prioritize, and make decisions. The idea of going back in time and changing past choices might seem appealing to some, but for individuals with ADHD, it becomes a complex web of considerations.

For instance, what if I had been diagnosed as a kid and got treatment for it? Treatment, which included tools and strategies to deal with executive dysfunction or medication to better deal with my symptoms? Would access to the right treatment change the trajectory of my life? Would it have influenced the choices I made and the experiences I had? These questions swirl in my mind, knowing that ADHD impacts how my brain processes information and makes decisions.

Moreover, ADHD encompasses emotional dysregulation, which can add another layer of complexity to the desire to change the past. Regretting past actions is a common human experience, but for individuals with ADHD, the intensity of emotions can be overwhelming. It's easy to wonder if better emotional regulation and understanding of my own emotions, such as recognizing rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD), would have affected the outcomes of certain situations. 

My parents, particularly my Mom, had a hard time coping with my emotions. She found the intensity of my feelings challenging. Would going back and telling my parents about RSD or emotional dysregulation have an impact on my relationship with them today? Would providing them with the tools needed to support a neurodivergent kid mean that my Dad and I would still have a relationship today? Would it have altered the way I perceive myself and navigate relationships today? 

So, with the knowledge of where it all leads, would I choose a different path for myself?

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After a couple of days of rumination, I can tell you one thing for a fact. I would not do anything differently. NOTHING. It is interesting to say or read this out loud. I hear the voice of doubt come up and go, “You sure? Really? Wouldn’t you want to protect yourself from physical or emotional abuse? What about all the boundaries crossed? Really? Change nothing, you cocky son of a gun?”

Let me clarify one thing, though. I am by no means claiming to be someone with no regrets. I am deeply remorseful for some of my choices and hold myself accountable. Those actions had an impact on the people I care for deeply. I do wish to take those back. I acknowledge the regrets and mistakes but also recognize the resilience and growth that accompany this journey. 

However, it is the things that happen to us, things that seem out of our control in the moment, that are usually the topic of discussion in these movies about time travel. 

So, I stand by what I said. I wouldn’t change a thing. All my pondering has led me to believe that it's not about changing the past but embracing the present, learning from experiences, and moving forward with self-compassion and determination. Don’t get me wrong, ADHD has its difficulties, but it also comes with unique strengths and perspectives that have contributed to my personal growth and the connections I've made.

Ultimately, it is the sum of all those micro-choices and decisions that have led me to where I am today: in this home with my partner, our two dogs, and a fulfilling career that brings me pride. While my relationship with my family is evolving as we all recover from some traumatic experiences, my friends are like family to me. My values serve as a foundation that drives my decisions today. At the risk of sounding too soppy (said in a British accent), this includes you, my fellow cultivator. So yeah, I wouldn’t change a thing. It is not perfect, but it is pretty damn close. Knock on wood! 🤞

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I am wondering if sharing my thoughts on “The Butterfly Effect” has sparked some reflections on your end, dear reader? I would love to hear your thoughts on the following questions:

• Have you found yourself longing to change the past or alter certain decisions? 

• How do you navigate those feelings of regret or the desire for a different outcome?

• If you could go back in time and provide guidance or support to your younger self, what would that look like for you?

• How do you think it would impact your present-day life?

• Are there moments you wouldn’t change, despite the difficulties they may have brought?

I invite you to share your insights, experiences, and perspectives in the comments below.